that’s enough negative thinking for today 

A combination of things has caused my mood to dip today.

It started with waking up with these horrible tummy cramps (yep time of the month and let’s not get into TMI) and a throbbing headache, so I missed a wedding I was looking forward to attend in the morning. Later that morning, as I headed to youth service, my siblings spontaneously decided to head out to the zoo, and I was bummed that I couldn’t join them. Because it was a work day and hey, who doesn’t love the zoo?

When the service ended, others were hanging out while I headed home to curl up into a ball on my bed because the cramps were still there and the headache hadn’t gone away. When I next woke up, it was 10.30pm with the work tasks for the day left undone. That was a bummer too.

And then I decided to get on Instagram to see who did what today and wow, that sure didn’t help at all because I was looking at how everyone’s day was so gloriously exciting compared to mine. Bummer of bummers. Social media is such a double edged sword.

Finally, I decided to check my email and that kickstarted a string of follow-up WhatsApp conversations to try and coordinate things, and then I realised that it’s close to midnight and probably everyone was winding down after a day of leisure. So I left it at that, and silently told Jesus that I really would much rather be hanging out with friends on a Saturday night than be doing these things, that I was getting low on my social tank, and Jesus could we hang out tonight since it’s just you and me?

That’s when I really began to start feeling sorry for myself. And a soliloquy began running in my head:

“Look at me home alone, forced to stay home and rest from too much fatigue. The only one still up working now and probably the only one who cares about coordinating ministry things. Look at the family, enjoying a night hanging out at my uncle’s place because they didn’t have to work today and they sure don’t have to get up tomorrow at the crack of dawn to go lead worship. Oh by the way, I’ve been leading ten weeks in a row save for the one week my co-worship leader wasn’t overseas. And it’s hard to unsee many things that don’t go right whenever I have contact time with the teams. As their leader, I can’t help feeling burdened when I see the visible manifestation of our manpower crunch. Or when my leaders look so tired and worn out. Or when some of the team members need more attention than others. Or when sometimes, people come up to me after service to give their take on how the worship ministry could do more and be more….pfft what do they know. How’d they like my seat for a change.”

Round about that time, I heard in my heart: Sam, that’s enough negative thinking for today. 

Yes, the problems are real and are there. Yes, my weekends aren’t exactly full of leisure. Yes, I’m hormonal today. No, I don’t have to keep on feeling sorry for myself. No, I don’t have to solve the problems all at once. No, these low emotions don’t last. No, don’t trust these emotions. Yes, rest was a good thing today and my body needed it even though I really wanted to be around people. Yes, tomorrow is a new day. It’s gonna be alright.

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

– ‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭10:5‬ ‭

So before I hunker down into bed again, each thought is going to become a prayer. Lord, in all these situations, help. And show me your way of seeing.

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